Sappy Vent Stuff- dun read

I'm gonna take the time out of my night to write a vent blog. So if you don't want to hear me whine, bitch, complain, moan, bawl, or any of the above, then you should probably hit the back button now and bug out.


Tonight I got a message from someone in my life. I guess you could call her a friend. Honestly, she's annoyed me beyond belief and worn me down for a while. I almost don't want to call her my friend. But I guess that she still is. Regardless, I got a message from her to call her as soon as possible. So I did. It turns out she tried to kill herself again and she was in a crisis clinic. Again.

I believe she said, through all of her tears, that she tried jumping either in front of a car or off of a two-story building. I believer it was the latter.

Speechless, the only thing I could possibly bring myself to say was "Why...Why would you do this?" I wasn't going to judge her for it. Or look down on her. But I had to know what it was that was eating at her so much to send her over the brink twice. And she said through the tears again, "I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore." she told me she had been in pain for so long. And that she just wondered what it would be like if she just jumped.

I tried my best to console her, which was difficult. If she truly felt it was hopeless, then what could I possibly say? I could tell her she had people who loved her. People who would be sad if she died; that she has a purpose on this earth. And that even if things look bad now, they can and WILL get better. But I thought, "If she really can't see the light anymore...then will she be able to hear me?" I had also read on a suicide-hotline website that all of those things I wanted to say were not good things to say to someone who was considering taking their own life. Except for maybe the last one.

I couldn't say much to her. And when I spoke I felt like the emotion wasn't all there. It because I was trying to protect myself. In one instance, she nearly broke and I was an emotional mess. I blamed myself for not being able to help her more. The next time, she actually tried to kill herself. And for a while I was fine. But at the same time, I was still hitting myself for it all; even if it was her decision. Mom always says that if someone really wants to kill themselves, then no one can stop them. She got better. And slowly, I began picking myself back up again.

Things looked up for my friend. She moved and got away from all the negativity in her life. But tonight, out of the blue, she tried to take her own life. And I just couldn't fathom why she would do such a thing. I thought everything had been super. But apparently her medications hadn't been working for a few weeks and she just got more nervous when she moved. I told her it was because it was a new environment. It's always normal to be anxious in a new environment. I don't know if she heard me. I heard people in the clinic talking in the background.

She had to get off of the phone. I'm guessing she had a five minute time limit like the last time she was in a clinic. I got off of the phone and felt flustered, but I felt fine. Better than the last few times.

A lot of us think she is seeking attention; help. And I believe this to be true. While her feelings are serious, I think she doesn't actually want to die.

But it still hurts.

I went on a walk to try ande cool off after that. And while I walked my barriers started to fall and I started to cry. What if she didn't make it? What if she didn't get better? What if she actually went through with it? What if I went to my friend's funeral and had to face the fact that she's laying in that casket because she took her own life. Because she felt like she couldn't handle it anymore.

The idea brought me to tears. And I wondered how everyone would handle her death. How would her parents feel. How would her mother, who seems to be constantly down on her luck, feel if she found out her daughter was so miserable that she killed herself? How would her friends feel; the same people who did try to help her?

It would hurt.

And it would be a hurt that would go away over night. It would be a hurt that would take years to dull. And even for some people, it would never fully go away.

I think she thought that moving away would immediately cure her of her depression. Someone probably should have told her that it was a long healing process. Just like any kind of disease or infliction on the human body, it takes time to heal.

Emotional pain is more difficult than physical. This is true. Physical pain heals with medication and our body's own resources. But emotional pain is like a rubix cube. You just have to keep working at it. Sometimes you want to just give up.

But you can't.

Trying is more than just taking antidepressants and crying. It's about patience. About perseverance. About faith. About hope. About determination. It's so many things.

It's probably why a lot of people lay down and let the depression ravage them. Because they don't understand all of this. But the first step is to stand up and try. And that's one of the hardest steps to conquer.

But with each passing day, the sky will look a little bit brighter; the birds will carry a bit more of a happy tune; and the grass will look just a little bit greener than the day before. There will be days where you'll take a backslide. And you'll feel upset about it. But when those days happen, just know that it's making you stronger. And that you'll feel happiness again.

I want the world to know that happiness isn't a figment of the human imagination. And that depression doesn't rule with an unmovable, iron fist. You have a will of fire. Melt the fist, and find your happiness in this life. And cherish every minute of your life as you go.

Just for the Sake of Having One.

Decided to get a blog for the sake of having one. I used to use Xanga and livejournal back in the day. Besides, my sista from another mista went ahead and made one, and I figured 'hey, a nice private place to vent like a boss.' :D


Yeah. So. College student. Majoring in art. 3 pet hermit crabs. Living with dad. That's all you need to know. *waves hands and mysteriously disappears behind sofa*